Over at Just Sayin', GW9K praises Joey Porter's business acumen and public relations savvy in the post titled, "Who put this thing together? Me, that's who!"
We’re at kind of an in-between dead spot in the Steelers season, so let’s have more fun with holiday season television commercials. Ranking right up there on the annoyance meter and vying with jewelry store spots for Top Spot in the Cloying Category are the annual spate of holiday-season luxury-car-as-gift commercials.
You know the ones: Lexus, BMW, Infiniti, Mercedes, Volvo … all nice cars, but let’s get real: Nobody is going to give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.
Check that. A long time ago, somebody actually did give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.
God bless Mrs. Edith Alexander, may she rest in peace. As a kid growing up in Shadyside, Joey Porter's Pit Bulls were neighbors to the elderly Mrs. Alexander and her husband, Tom. Both were distinguished, genteel and scholarly professors at
She had cocktails every afternoon at 4 p.m.
Eventually, she decided she decided it was time to start giving stuff, like her Harvard Classics Five Foot Shelf of Books, away, mostly to me.
And, in time, it no longer made sense for her to drive.
So she gave me her car.
It was a Plymouth Volare.
Have you finished laughing? It’s okay, go ahead.
Upon taking ownership, I called my buddy Dale, tough guy and a smartass, too, and told him my neighbor gave me a car. I didn’t tell him what type or make.
I just said, “Hey, man, you’ll see soon enough. Be outside your place at 7:30 sharp. We’ll cruise around a bit.”
Later, Dale told his side of the story: “So, I’m sitting there, front step, smokin’ a joint, waiting. From down the street, off in the distance, I hear what sounds like singing. ‘Voh-lar-ayyy, ooh-oh-ohh-oh. Can-tar-ay-y-y, ohh-oh-ho-oh.’ I look up and halfway down the block I see this asshole leaning out the window of this butt-ugly, puke gray Volare drive up, stop, and say, “Well? Whaddya think??”
Fast forward. Last Christmas morning, I’m up at daylight and out for a morning walk with Myron and Mongo (my dogs, not Joey Porter’s). Myron, Mongo and I are fortunate to live on a nice street in a nice neighborhood. We circle the block and come up on the house next door and behind my place on the corner. Our neighbor’s home is a beautiful, gracious old house with a three-car garage and short driveway that will accommodate three vehicles, but only one car was sitting in the driveway — a sleek, brand new, silver-gray Lexus sedan … with an enormous red bow on its roof.
I couldn’t help but wonder what Mrs. Alexander would think.
And, somehow, I kept seeing that Lexus morph into a primer-gray Volare.
With a bow on top.
One more thing: Other people share our wonderment at the whole genre of luxury-car-as-gift ads.
In an article headlined, “Gem Sellers Launch Blitz Against Blood Diamond” the trade publication Ad Age reports the World Diamond Council has launched a $15 million “public relations” campaign to quash According to Ad Age, “South Africa-based DeBeers, which markets more than 40% of the world's diamonds, has been front and center in the PR efforts.”
The new movie Blood Diamond opened a few days ago against the juxtaposition of a holiday-season torrent of incessant and mind-numbing advertising by exploitative retail jewelry chain stores like Zales, Kay Jewelers and the most insipid and embarrassed of them all, Jared, which was apparently named after the guy in the Subway commercial.
“The film makes its debut,” notes Ad Age, “during the heaviest selling season for the $60 billion-a-year worldwide diamond industry …Watchdogs think a powerful
As Ben Harper sang, “She’s got di-a-monds on-n the in-side.”
Congratulations, Devin Hester, for your NFL-record SIXTH return for a touchdown this year. Man, that is a serious accomplishment. You were dynamite at the Very impressive, indeed.
For the past two/three years, Devin Hester was the best and certainly the most highly visible kick returner in the college game. He dabbled at wide receiver, defensive back and running back, but the real value he brought to his team was as a breakaway kick returner.
In March and April 2006, however, most NFL scouts and draftniks summarily dismissed him as a “player without a position” and projected him as a fourth-round draft pick.
Kudos to the Bears for recognizing the value of an explosive return game and jumping up to take him in the second round. That surprised pretty much everybody.
Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls suspect the Steelers had their eye on the young Mr. Hester and wanted to draft him to replace Antwaan Randle-El as the primary kick returner … but we also suspect the Bears recognized this and acted aggressively to beat the Steelers to this draft pick.
This, we surmise, had a ripple effect on the Steelers draft tactics: After the Bears drafted Devin Hester, the Steelers panicked and drafted another player without a position: Willie Reid, the very raw wide receiver from
Do we want to review how well that worked out? Didn’t think so.
So let’s get right to it.
For some reason, Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher, in the solipsist disquietude of consciousness, sat Willie Reid in the early games of the season in favor of Retardo Ricardo Coughley and Santonio Holmes, both of whom demonstrated an uncanny ability to fumble repeatedly.
When Willie Reid finally saw his first game action, he returned one punt for 11 yards and promptly sustained an injured foot that ended his season.
Congratulations to all.
No Steelers game on Sunday, so let’s see … let’s take a look at other forms of entertainment like, say, cinema and television commercials. The new film Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and the estimable Jennifer Connelly, is out and was reviewed in the local paper over the weekend.
A blood diamond is a diamond mined in a war zone and sold to finance war efforts, frequently those of warlord factions in places like
Apparently, DeBeers Group, which controls the majority of the diamond trade, has expressed its unhappiness with Blood Diamond and Warner Bros.
Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls have yet to see Blood Diamond, but if you are one of the two or three people who have visited this site, you know one of our pet peeves is the incessant inundation of holiday-season jewelry store commercials.
The Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber opined eloquently on this topic a few weeks ago, and we have ranted, as well. The timing of the release of Blood Diamond is in stark juxtaposition to the pre-Christmas airing of all the inane commercials from places like Zale’s, Kay Jewelers and Jared.
Jared? No, not the guy from the Subway commercials, but I always think of Subway when I see the commercials for Jared, the jewelers, which are probably the most annoying of any poisoning the airwaves.
They meretriciously pander to the basest level of audience idiocy; not to mention, the quality of diamonds you’ll be getting from these types of mass chain store, mall-based stores is subpar, as noted by The Christmas Ape.
So, diamonds are a girl’s best friends? Sure.
A long time ago in a land far, far away, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls decided it was time.
We didn’t even own a car at the time, but off we went to Bailey Banks & Biddle to dutifully buy the engagement rock that cost about as much as a good used car. A really good used car.
Afterwards, on a work-related photo shoot, we mentioned the purchase to Harry the photographer and goofily said, “What have I got to lose?”
Harry got real quiet and pensive, and he paused before saying ominously, “Everything.”
We looked at each other, and he said earnestly, “Having been there, I can tell you this is not a step to be taken lightly. You can lose everything. Money, sure, but that’s the least of it. Peace of mind.
"And, the worst thing, time. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll never get back the time you put into it.”
You know what? He was right.
And if she hasn’t done so already, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hope she sells that damn diamond and buys herself a good used car.
Oh, and by the way: A recently published book, “Blood from Stones,” links al-Qaeda to diamonds. According to the book, al-Qaeda is likely using the hard-to-trace diamonds in place of cash, in various transactions to fund its activities around the world and to counter legislation on seizing terrorist-associated bank accounts.
Just something to think about, Jared.
NO, not the guy in the Subway commercials.
Fast Willie Parker. A very cool breeze.
Dec. 7, 1941. “A day that will live in infamy.”Yes, a tipping point that altered the course of history — both on a macro scale in world events and on a micro scale in the personal lives of so many people.
It was a sunny Sunday afternoon in
My father turned to my mother and said, “I’m going to get drafted, so I might as well enlist.”
He tried, but he was turned down as a 4-F deferment because of a hernia.
He told my mother he was going to get drafted anyway. He did.
As a smart guy, he was assigned to Army Intelligence. Which, of course, is the classic oxymoron, so he was mistakenly put on a train and shipped to camps in
In
When the war ended, however, he retired from the Army.
He just wanted to go home.
Ugh, these guys again. So soon.Who cares, you say?
Despite impassioned objections from Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls, Chevy’s series of truck commercials featuring John Mellencamp’s odious “My Country” is following us around.
Et tu, Bill Cowher, after the end of the season?
And these latest roster moves (Duce, gone; Chidi returns) beg the question: What if the Steelers had simply cut Duce and retained Chidi at the end of training camp?
What if, indeed, in this, the winter of our discontent.
“The solipsist disquietude of consciousness, seeing itself in all its adventures, a captive of itself, comes to an end here: true exteriority is in this gaze which forbids my conquest. Not that conquest is beyond my too weak powers, but I am no longer able to have power, Je ne peux plus pouvoir.”
Joey Porter's Pit Bulls like Plex and all, but when he was with the Steelers, he had a maddening tendency to ... well, let's just say, he'd get lackadaisical at the oddest moments.
"I've been getting a lot of contacts about it; I've heard about it," Cowher said Wednesday, according to the Associated Press. "But I've got a job here."Yeah, sure, you have a job here. Today. And we have some real estate in
Actually, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls heard from a “good source” back in December 2005, before the Steelers won the Super Bowl, that a friend of a friend has a daughter who is a friend of one of Bill Cowher’s daughters … who revealed that no matter what happened with the rest of the 2005 season, Mr. Bill was planning to buy a home in the Raleigh area and move on to his alma mater, North Carolina State, as the head football coach and Athletic Director ... sort of a Joe Paterno type of job. But it would be a nice, low-pressure position at a basketball-first school in an area where he has connections and present the opportunity for him to stamp his imprimatur as possibly a turn-around artist. Or not.
If you are one of the two or three people who visit Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls, you probably also read Kissing Suzy Kolber. A belated tip of the hat to The Christmas Ape, who penned a fine opine on the incessant Christmas-season chain-jewelry commercials. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, so we won’t …
It’s Ravens Week. Which means it’s Browns Week Redux, since the Ravens are the Original Browns, having been violently uprooted and transplanted to Bal’more in 1996 … after that turd Robert Irsay violently uprooted and transplanted the Baltimore Colts in 1984 to
Anyway, we digress.
Okay, let’s get this straight:
The question is, “Do the Steelers have the personnel (wide receivers) and schemes (spread offense) to do it?”
And the answer is, “Yes”
That is, “If they have the balls to do it.”
Attack, that is, repeatedly and aggressively, and once again, the answer should be, “Yes.”
The Ravens’ defense was constructed specifically to defeat the Steelers … the Steelers of the Jerome Bettis era, that is.
The Ravens defense is built from the inside out, with two brutes in the middle up front, and other talented personnel: Adalius Thomas is a major force at linebacker; Trevor Pryce and Terrell Suggs are speed rushers (and the Steelers have had problems with that type of pass rusher); Bart Scott has emerged as a fine player; Chris McAllister is a an opportunistic ball hawk at corner and Ed Reed is arguably the second-best safety in the league, behind a certain individual of Samoan descent.
Still. It used to be that the way to beat the Ravens was to run right at Ray Lewis, who is a thug but a punk, too.
However, this year’s Steelers offense, like it or not, is a speed offense.
So they might as well use it, as they did in the fourth quarter at
The Ravens’ front seven can be exploited with speed, misdirection, spread formations, no-huddle looks, etc.
The Steelers can win this game, if they don’t let the Ravens’ defense dictate the tempo and tone of the game. The Steelers can and should use quick counts, short drops and rollouts to keep the Ravens off-balance by torturing their weak spot, which is a lack of depth in the secondary, and one particular cornerback who is well past his prime — Samari Rolle. This could be a breakout game for Santonio Holmes. Just sayin’.
Let’s not overlook something, though. This game may well hinge on special teams, and, with B.J. Sams, the Ravens have one of the best return men in the league. The Steelers have to figure out a way to snuff punt and kickoff returns. Hey! Jeff Reed! Chris Gardocki! Coverage and return teams! Get your axe together!
When the Ravens have the ball, expect to see a lot of Steve McNair to Derrick Mason and Todd Heap, both of whom are fine receivers. But the Steelers’ defense should be able to contain the
And therein lays hope. Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls have every reasonable expectation that Brian Billick, the offensive genius, will outsmart himself on Sunday. We don’t know how, when or in what way he’ll do it … but we fully expect him to outsmart himself.
The Steelers will win this game.
Oh, and one other thing: This is our country. Congratulations.
If you're ever in Dallas, we recommend
that you make time to visit the
Sixth Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza.
Oh, and there's this tidbit, as noted on
A Large Regular:
Pitt alumnus (?), former Cleveland Brownie and
Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls love the Dawg Pound.
It’s not that we’re combative or anything … but it’s just so much fun to encounter guys with dog masks who think they’re BAD; and then, despite ourselves, stay out of jail.
The real Dawg Pound died with Municipal Stadium, just as the old Browns franchise died when Art Modell highjacked it to
We haven’t been to the new Browns Stadium, which looks nice, but take our word for it, Municipal Stadium was not nice. Anything but.
“Barely controlled riot” would be the words to describe the Dawg Pound during Steelers-Browns games. Never mind the disgusting, overflowing restrooms. Never mind the continuing jawing and woofing between fans from
No, there are memories of sounds, too, such as, for instance, the distinctive crack of a revolver … in the stands, mind you … which triggered a massive response from Cleveland’s Finest and even more brawling fueled by testosterone, drugs and alcohol.
Real. Surreal. Hyper-real.
Ah, the memories.
Good times ... good times, indeed, and stories aplenty for the Thanksgiving dinner table.
It's Browns Week. Ugh.Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls have been struggling a bit, lately, trying to understand just why John Mellencamp’s song, “Our Country,” for the current series of Chevy Truck commercials is so annoying. Based on what we’ve been reading on many of the more popular sports-related blogs, others in the blogosphere share our sentiment.
Do we have anything against Chevy Trucks? Not really. But the song itself, and the accompanying video in all the commercials, is extremely irritating. Why?
Maybe it’s because the commercials seem to appear during every single break in action during NFL games. That may be our imagination, but the frequency with which they appear is way, way over the top. Secondly, the song itself isn’t that good. Some words come to mind:
Contrived: The song reeks of having been contrived specifically to shill for GM while simultaneously promoting Mellencamp’s faltering career.
Trite: “Our Country” panders in the worst way to base sentiment. Insipid. Ugh:
Bombastic: Its anthemic pretensions are comical. The song is more jingle than anthem:
There's room enough here
For science to live
Question: What the fuck is that? Answer: Lame lyrics.
And the ones that run this land
Will help the poor and common man
Yeah, right. You just keep telling yourself that, asswipe. The ones that run this land? Like GM? Or aging, pretentious rock stars?
Annoying twit.
“Soul is the ability to make people feel better, no matter their situation.”Congrats to Drew Brees, who played a tremendous game and, now that his mother, Mina Brees, lost the race for the Third Circuit Court of Appeals in
A one-fingered salute to Chris Gardocki for continuing to suck.
Congratulations to Ryan Clark for two fumble recoveries.
Congratulations to Troy Polamalu for continuing his history of concussions. Get better, Troy.
From the
This is our country.”
Whose country?
More thoughts on this later.
Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are perplexed. The Steelers are 2-6, and the Saints are 6-2. So, who’s favored? Well, the Steelers, of course! By 4½ points, for cryin’ out loud. We don’t get it. The Steelers have given no indication they can beat the Morningside Bulldogs, let alone a decent team like the Saints. The Saints are no fluke. On offense, the totally rebuilt offensive line has held together, and the Saints have five big-time skill position players: Drew Brees, Deuce McAllister, Joe Horn, Marques Holston and Reggie Bush. Expect to see lots of spread formations and swing passes to put Bush out in space, in the open field (hey! … there’s an idea -- maybe the Steelers could do something similar with Willie Parker!).
The Saints’ defense has played pretty well, too, as have the special teams (oh-oh!)
Prediction? We have no clue. See the post below.
Take it from one who knows. Betting on football is bad business. Except for the bookies and casinos.There’s a reason why bookies drive Caddies and bettors drive Chevvies, if not Chevy trucks (fuck you, Mellencamp). This, from a guy who watched a bet that was “won” go maddeningly bad … and ended up losing money on the infamous Cal-Stanford game that ended with a football being spiked in one of the many tubas on the field. Yeah, that game. Which made me a loser for all eternity and the reason I quit betting football some years ago.
But that shouldn’t deter you.
So, let’s make a bet: Will the Stanford football Cardinal win a game this year? Stanford currently stands at 0-9. Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are interested in Stanford’s fortunes this year because the Coach Death Watch is on. And the head coach at Stanford is Walt Harris, the arrogant prick who formerly coached the Pitt Panthers.
At Pitt, he built a finesse team with undersized lines on both sides of the ball, which Dave Wannstedt inherited, a team that continues to wilt under pressure from football powers such as, oh, shall we say, South Florida (?!)
So, even if Stanford does manage to win a game this year, Walt “Offensive Genius” Harris is almost certain to be fired immediately after the season, if not sooner.
Wanna bet on it eactly when that will happen?
It’s kind of like Mad magazine’s Spy vs. Spy cartoon series … or not. Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls wanted to title this post, “A Tale of Two Deuces” (“Duces”?) or “Deuces Wild” (“Duces Wild”??), but Spelling Integrity sat on our collective shoulders and frowned disapprovingly.
Anyway, it’s unfair at this point to do a Deuce McAllister vs. Duce Staley comparison -- so let’s get right to it.
Let’s see, Deuce McAllister is a badass; a gasher (love that word), but able to run tough, between the tackles. Not at all deterred by the arrival of Reggie Bush, he of the “hot sauce” ankle and -5 rushing yards last week.
Will Mina Brees contest the election results
for the Third Court of Appeals in
Will Joe Horn bring his cell phone?
Will Reggie Bush get some extra “hot sauce” for that ailing ankle?
Will Deuce McAllister outplay Duce Staley?
Will the three rivers flood?
Will Katrina and the Waves sing the national anthem?
The Mighty MJD is way more entertaining:
“What poses a greater problem for the NFL? Protecting Jerramy Stevens’ coin purse, or Joey Porter threatening to OJ an official on the field of play?”
Joey Porter’s pit bulls did their civic duty and voted today … just not for the mother of
You’ve probably heard about his mother, who is running for office in
According to the Austin American-Statesman, “Drew Brees said that when he heard about the spots, he called his mother and asked her to stop them. She did not return his calls or stop using his image, he said, and his agent sent her a letter Oct. 20 threatening legal action.”
Another example of democracy in action. Now, if we could only get it to work as well in
And Joey Porter? Hey! I’m talking to you!! If you’re going to get fined $15,000 — and that’s $15K less raw meat for the pit bulls, asswipe — at least get fined for something more interesting than mouthing off to the officials. Unless, that is, you want to release the transcript. Which, since we are Joey Porter’s pit bulls, we have:
“Awwhhh, dog! Hell the fuck no! Fuck that!!! I said, fuck that! And your ol’ lady, but I already done her, ‘n yo’ mama!!!”
Shee-it, you get fined $15K for that? You slippin, dude.
Watching this game reminded me of the masochistic Jehova's Witness ... He kept slamming the door in his own face.
Oh. And in case you didn't know already: "This is our country." Mellenfuck.
I was tempted to name this blog “Lil’ Angry,” the nickname for former Pirates outfielder and current Cubs coach Gene Clines. Bob Prince (aka "The Gunner"), the late, great Pirates' announcer, named Clines "Lil' Angry" for his style of play, which evoked an ebbing, barely contained fury. Lil' Angry was last seen in a Cubs uniform, however, so fuck 'im. I still kinda like his nickname, though, because,well, I'm just a little angry ... pretty much all the time. Kinda like Joey Porter's pit bulls.
