Thursday, February 22, 2007

Brown ... out

God really does hate Cleveland sports.

LeCharles Bentley, the former Pro Bowl center who was the Brownies’ big free-agent acquisition of the off-season before last, appears to be lost for the season again and may be perilously close to a forced retirement due to a ruined knee.

He has yet to play a down for the Browns, who signed him to anchor a woeful offensive line and counter the strong interior defensive linemen in the AFC North, particularly Casey Hampton, the Steelers’ All-Pro nose tackle.

What Happens in Vegas? ... STAYS in Vegas???

Uh, maybe not. Read about the warrant in the Pacman Jones brouhaha.

Jason Whitlock, columnist for the Kansas City Star and AOL Sports, was in Las Vegas for the NBA All-Star Game this past weekend. He reports general mayhem reigned the streets, casinos, parking lots and “gentlemen’s clubs" all weekend. He also speculates what next year’s NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans might require in terms of police presence military personnel.

Hardy Carr-harr

The mess in Texas continues … no, not that one over in Crawford.

In Houston, the NFL's Houston Texans supposedly want to trade quarterback David Carr, the former number one overall draft pick (2002 draft) by the then-expansion Texans.

The team signed Carr to an extension before last year’s NFL Draft because the Texans thought they … well, who knows what they were thinking?

Drafting University of Texas quarterback Vince Young last April would have made too much sense, apparently.

Ditto Reggie Bush.

But now, when Jake Plummer – Jake Plummer? – starts to look like an improvement at quarterback, the Texans must know they're in trouble. Head coach Gary Kubiak reportedly likes Plummer because, well, the ol’ familiarity factor, since Plummer played under for Kubiak when the latter was offensive coordinator of the Denver Broncos.

Anyway, the Texans’ troubles -- and Carr’s -- are well-documented. And, as noted over at Rumors and Rants ...

“The Texans' O-line opens up wider than Paris Hilton's legs after 3 mojitos. He was sacked 41 times in 2006, and that was an improvement over the previous few seasons.”


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

In the Box, High Sticking

An enthusiastic female fan of Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins expresses her desire for young Mr. Crosby to aim for the "five hole." In hockey parlance, that’s the, uh, open space (?) between the, uh, goaltender’s (?) legs.

Goal. Tender. So that’s what the kids are calling it these days. Huh. Who knew?

Photo is courtesy of Deadspin via The Burgh Blog. Make sure to read the Deadspin reader comments.

The young woman's family must be very proud.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

It’s Shrove Tuesday, also known as Fat Tuesday or, as an old buddy liked to call it, “Fat-ass Tuesday.” Until Easter, depending on your predeliction, Fat Tuesday represents the last opportunity to get Fat, to indulge, to eat jelly donuts, beignets, étouffée, Shrimp Po’ Boys, gumbo, crawfish stew and jambalaya … plus, of course, your adult beverage(s) of choice.

Personally, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls lament that every day isn’t Fat Tuesday, but that’s just us.

Laissez les bon temps rouler! (“Let the good times roll!”)

“Down south in New Orleans, the prettiest girl I ever seen
Sparklin' eyes, lips so sweet, we make the love to the rhumba beat
Ship's at anchor, my suitcase packed
Got a one way ticket, I ain't comin' back
Life's a pleasure, love's no dream
Down south in New Orleans

“My green-eyed baby, I'm on my way
Back into your arms to stay
I'm tired of work, I want to play
And I love you night and day”

Friday, February 16, 2007

Play Ball!

It's baseball season. Well, that is, if you discount the 9oF temperature outside and the ice-encrusted snow drifts that had the dogs thoroughly confused and unpleasantly surprised with every paw-step that cracked the deceptively thin and treacherously slippery sheen of ice caked over the five inches of snow on the football field last evening. Step, crack!, leg sinks into the snow, step, crack! leg sinks into the snow … repeat times four, each step, for each dog, and times two, each step, for my own bad self and … damn tiring work. Anyway …

Spring training complexes across Florida and Arizona are emerging from their offseason cocoons, which means we will be talking baseball more and more during the coming weeks and months.

Baseball lends itself to discussion. After all, who says baseball players aren’t just like you and me? Take former Pirates pitcher Jon Lieber, for example. The 37-year-old Lieber, now with the Phillies, has been the subject of trade talk much of the offseason. As noted in the Philadelphia Daily News, Lieber is coming off a poor year and is projected as the Phillies’ sixth starter in a five-man rotation.

None of this seems to be of much concern to Lieber, however, as he drove up to the Phillies’ spring-training complex in a brand new Ford F-650 pickup truck with six doors, a satellite dish and $210,000 worth of accoutrements.

Ford’s off-the-factory-line pickups are F-150, F-250 and F-350, meaning the F-150 will carry a one-and-a-half ton truckload, the F-250 a two-and-a-half ton truckload, etc. So, by extrapolation, Lieber’s F-650 will carry six-and-a-half tons, or 13,000 pounds, in its bed alone, and who knows what it will tow (drag) behind it.

A little ostentatious? Hey, he’s a blue-collar guy, right? He probably needs it to haul stuff around on weekends, mulch and tree limbs and the like. It’s not like he can afford to hire people to do that kind of work or anything, y'know? And it's not like he's trying to compensate for, well, whatever.

Still, lamentably, Lieber has his critics, such as the fine writer at Bugs and Cranks:

“A Ford F650 SuperTruck. 6-Doors, 45-inch wheels(!), seating for seven, a satellite dish and customized leather interior. Now that’s gaudy! I mean, you could theoretically invite six friends over to your truck to watch football games every Sunday. It looks like a Transformer for chirssakes. This is like the Maybach for Iowa farm boys. Kudos, Jon Lieber. A truly ostentatious purchase worthy of VH1’s 'Fabulous Life of …" Again, sorry."

And this, from one of the B&C commenters, BlueMoonModem:


"And the rest of the world hates us because …”

***

So much for Mr. Lieber and his Tonka Toy.

We’ll be following the escapades of not just the Pirates, but all of baseball during the next few months. Over at McCovey Chronicles, for example, you can expect to routinely find highly entertaining writing such as …

“When the Marlins were offering nude photos of (team owner) Wayne Huizenga for (reliever Armando) Benitez and several million dollars, I was hoping the Giants would jump on the offer.”

There’s plenty more where that came from, and many fine Pirates-related blogs to enrich our lives as the weather turns from winter to spring and summer.

Yet another reason to live.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

"Say It With Dead Flowers"

A severe winter storm, computer outage and even more severe inertia and lethargy combined to prevent Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls from posting the entry we had crafted for Valentine’s Day.

It’s just as well.

Valentine’s Day was always for other people, anyway. For me, it was usually the day I was reminded that other people do, in fact, do that sort of thing — but only when I’d walk into my favorite neighborhood cocktail lounge in the early evening and see couples canoodling while they waited for their reservations to be called at the overpriced, overcrowded restaurant next door.

And then I’d remember, “Who are these annoying people? Oh, yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day.”

And then I’d go over to the jukebox and play “Dead Flowers” by The Stones.

Oh, well.

Didn’t do that this year. But Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are glad the extended run of pre-Valentine’s Day commercials is finally over … you know, pretty much the same commercials that ran, pre-Christmas, for overpriced but cheap-ass jewelry store chains like Jared, J.B., Robinson, Zale, Kay’s, J.C. Penney and Sears, for cryin’ out loud, to name the most egregious offenders. At least that’s over.

As Mick Jagger sang, “Say it with dead flowers …and I won’t forget to put roses on your grave.”

Hey! Look Who's Back!!

Emerging from an extended hiatus are the guys over at The Dock Ellis Experience, one of our favorite blogs. Dock Ellis, in case you didn’t know, was an All Star-caliber pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1970s.

One evening in San Diego, he pitched a nine-inning no-hitterwhile on LSD. Sure, he walked eight and hit a batter, but otherwise he was seeing his pitches as multicolored laser trails in a zone. And people wonder why we follow sports.

Anyway, Dock Ellis's trippy no-hitter inspired the blog name, The Dock Ellis Experience, and, as Jimi Hendrix said in his song, “Third Stone From the Sun,” “Not necessarily stoned, just … beautiful.”

Besides, we’ve always liked the following rationale, offered at the end of the first-ever post on The Dock Ellis Experience:

“Will anyone read this? I don't really give a fuck... I'm bored and I always read other people's shitty opinions so I thought maybe it's time to give the world mine, so here it is...”

Words to blog by.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Sympatico

Kansas City Star columnist Joe Posnanski, an empathetic voice of reason, writes sensibly about the Penguins' possible move to Kansas City and efforts to arrange for a new arena in Pittsburgh to replace the aging Civic Arena (yeah, we know what the corporate name is now).

Thanks, Joe. By the way, being a Cleveland native, how do you feel about the Steelers?

Anna Benson is Livid














We wonder what poor Anna Benson will do now that hubby Kris Benson will miss the entire 2007 baseball season with a torn rotator cuff. Kris Benson, the under-achieving former Pirates' pitcher who never attained the success projected for him as an overall No. 1 draft pick, once again has come up injured. And we can only surmise the seething reaction of Anna Benson, the temperamental, volatile, publicity-seeking former stripper who seemed to rely on Kris to help her attain the fame and fortune she so clearly seeks.

Think she's going to be happy with Kris shelved, out of the spotlight, sitting around doing rehab? Didn't think so.

With the passing of Anna Nicole Smith last week, Anna Benson seemed like a logical candidate toassume the mantle of high-profile, silicone-implanted, whacked-out celebrity bimbo run amok in the tabloids and other unsavory spotlights. Now, who knows? Maybe Kris's latest injury, however, will provoke her to ramp up her game for exponentially more berserk and provocative behavior.

The following is from the safe-for-mainstream-media Associated Press:

"In 2005, his first full season with the Mets, Benson allowed three runs or fewer in 19 starts. He was 10-8 with a 4.31 ERA, but New York won 17 of the 28 games in which he appeared.

"But the Mets traded Benson for pitchers Jorge Julio and John Maine. There was speculation that the deal was perpetuated by the behavior of Benson's wife, Anna, who has her own Web site and publicly discussed intimate details of their sex life. "Mets general manager Omar Minaya contended that Anna Benson was not a factor in the trade. Anna Benson asked for a divorce in late March last year, but rescinded the request within the week."

The Firing Line: Line Up the Usual Suspects

Well, that hit like a lightning bolt.

Adios, Marty Schottenheimer, who follows his protege Bill Cowher into the land of former NFL head coaches. It's a shame for Marty, who seems like a decent enough guy and has a sterling record for regular season wins over his long career, but still ... he will be remembered for so many negatives: the boneheaded, overly conservative play-calling late in games; the "choker" label; the ignominious 5-13 record in the playoffs; the inability to win "The Big One;" and the scorn and opprobrium heaped upon him by columnists and bloggers, including, but not limited to, The Big Lead and FireSchottenheimer.com.

Not that we dispute or object to any of that.

Actually, after four AFC Championship Game losses during the Cowher era (not to be bitter), some of us Steelers fans understand all of that.

On a brighter note, what a plum job has suddenly come available. The Chargers had the best regular-season record, 14-2, in the NFL last season. The talent on that team is ridiculous, arguably as good as any in the NFL.

So, how long till the rumors start that the Chargers management cabal is courting Bill Cowher to take over the reins in San Diego? Nah, the Chin wouldn't do that to his former mentor.

Would he?

Nah. So, who will take the reins in San Diego?

As Claud Rains, playing Capt. Louis Renault, said in Casablanca, "Line up the usual suspects."