Play Ball!

It's baseball season. Well, that is, if you discount the 9^oF temperature outside and the ice-encrusted snow drifts that had the dogs thoroughly confused and unpleasantly surprised with every paw-step that cracked the deceptively thin and treacherously slippery sheen of ice caked over the five inches of snow on the football field last evening. Step, crack!, leg sinks into the snow, step, crack! leg sinks into the snow … repeat times four, each step, for each dog, and times two, each step, for my own bad self and … damn tiring work. Anyway …

Spring training complexes across Florida and Arizona are emerging from their offseason cocoons, which means we will be talking baseball more and more during the coming weeks and months.

Baseball lends itself to discussion. After all, who says baseball players aren’t just like you and me? Take former Pirates pitcher Jon Lieber, for example. The 37-year-old Lieber, now with the Phillies, has been the subject of trade talk much of the offseason. As noted in the Philadelphia Daily News, Lieber is coming off a poor year and is projected as the Phillies’ sixth starter in a five-man rotation.

None of this seems to be of much concern to Lieber, however, as he drove up to the Phillies’ spring-training complex in a brand new Ford F-650 pickup truck with six doors, a satellite dish and $210,000 worth of accoutrements.

Ford’s off-the-factory-line pickups are F-150, F-250 and F-350, meaning the F-150 will carry a one-and-a-half ton truckload, the F-250 a two-and-a-half ton truckload, etc. So, by extrapolation, Lieber’s F-650 will carry six-and-a-half tons, or 13,000 pounds, in its bed alone, and who knows what it will tow (drag) behind it.

A little ostentatious? Hey, he’s a blue-collar guy, right? He probably needs it to haul stuff around on weekends, mulch and tree limbs and the like. It’s not like he can afford to hire people to do that kind of work or anything, y'know? And it's not like he's trying to compensate for, well, whatever.

Still, lamentably, Lieber has his critics, such as the fine writer at Bugs and Cranks:

“A Ford F650 SuperTruck. 6-Doors, 45-inch wheels(!), seating for seven, a satellite dish and customized leather interior. Now that’s gaudy! I mean, you could theoretically invite six friends over to your truck to watch football games every Sunday. It looks like a Transformer for chirssakes. This is like the Maybach for Iowa farm boys. Kudos, Jon Lieber. A truly ostentatious purchase worthy of VH1’s 'Fabulous Life of …" Again, sorry."

And this, from one of the B&C commenters, BlueMoonModem:

"And the rest of the world hates us because …”

***

So much for Mr. Lieber and his Tonka Toy.

We’ll be following the escapades of not just the Pirates, but all of baseball during the next few months. Over at McCovey Chronicles, for example, you can expect to routinely find highly entertaining writing such as …

“When the Marlins were offering nude photos of (team owner) Wayne Huizenga for (reliever Armando) Benitez and several million dollars, I was hoping the Giants would jump on the offer.”

There’s plenty more where that came from, and many fine Pirates-related blogs to enrich our lives as the weather turns from winter to spring and summer.

Yet another reason to live.

"Say It With Dead Flowers"

A severe winter storm, computer outage and even more severe inertia and lethargy combined to prevent Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls from posting the entry we had crafted for Valentine’s Day.

It’s just as well.

Valentine’s Day was always for other people, anyway. For me, it was usually the day I was reminded that other people do, in fact, do that sort of thing — but only when I’d walk into my favorite neighborhood cocktail lounge in the early evening and see couples canoodling while they waited for their reservations to be called at the overpriced, overcrowded restaurant next door.

And then I’d remember, “Who are these annoying people? Oh, yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day.”

And then I’d go over to the jukebox and play “Dead Flowers” by The Stones.

Oh, well.

Didn’t do that this year. But Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are glad the extended run of pre-Valentine’s Day commercials is finally over … you know, pretty much the same commercials that ran, pre-Christmas, for overpriced but cheap-ass jewelry store chains like Jared, J.B., Robinson, Zale, Kay’s, J.C. Penney and Sears, for cryin’ out loud, to name the most egregious offenders. At least that’s over.

As Mick Jagger sang, “Say it with dead flowers …and I won’t forget to put roses on your grave.”

Hey! Look Who's Back!!

Emerging from an extended hiatus are the guys over at The Dock Ellis Experience, one of our favorite blogs. Dock Ellis, in case you didn’t know, was an All Star-caliber pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1970s.

One evening in San Diego, he pitched a nine-inning no-hitter … while on LSD. Sure, he walked eight and hit a batter, but otherwise he was seeing his pitches as multicolored laser trails in a zone. And people wonder why we follow sports.

Anyway, Dock Ellis's trippy no-hitter inspired the blog name, The Dock Ellis Experience, and, as Jimi Hendrix said in his song, “Third Stone From the Sun,” “Not necessarily stoned, just … beautiful.”

Besides, we’ve always liked the following rationale, offered at the end of the first-ever post on The Dock Ellis Experience:

“Will anyone read this? I don't really give a fuck... I'm bored and I always read other people's shitty opinions so I thought maybe it's time to give the world mine, so here it is...”

Words to blog by.

Sympatico

Kansas City Star columnist Joe Posnanski, an empathetic voice of reason, writes sensibly about the Penguins' possible move to Kansas City and efforts to arrange for a new arena in Pittsburgh to replace the aging Civic Arena (yeah, we know what the corporate name is now).

Thanks, Joe. By the way, being a Cleveland native, how do you feel about the Steelers?

Anna Benson is Livid

We wonder what poor Anna Benson will do now that hubby Kris Benson will miss the entire 2007 baseball season with a torn rotator cuff. Kris Benson, the under-achieving former Pirates' pitcher who never attained the success projected for him as an overall No. 1 draft pick, once again has come up injured. And we can only surmise the seething reaction of Anna Benson, the temperamental, volatile, publicity-seeking former stripper who seemed to rely on Kris to help her attain the fame and fortune she so clearly seeks.

Think she's going to be happy with Kris shelved, out of the spotlight, sitting around doing rehab? Didn't think so.

With the passing of Anna Nicole Smith last week, Anna Benson seemed like a logical candidate toassume the mantle of high-profile, silicone-implanted, whacked-out celebrity bimbo run amok in the tabloids and other unsavory spotlights. Now, who knows? Maybe Kris's latest injury, however, will provoke her to ramp up her game for exponentially more berserk and provocative behavior.

The following is from the safe-for-mainstream-media Associated Press:

"In 2005, his first full season with the Mets, Benson allowed three runs or fewer in 19 starts. He was 10-8 with a 4.31 ERA, but New York won 17 of the 28 games in which he appeared.

"But the Mets traded Benson for pitchers Jorge Julio and John Maine. There was speculation that the deal was perpetuated by the behavior of Benson's wife, Anna, who has her own Web site and publicly discussed intimate details of their sex life. "Mets general manager Omar Minaya contended that Anna Benson was not a factor in the trade. Anna Benson asked for a divorce in late March last year, but rescinded the request within the week."

The Firing Line: Line Up the Usual Suspects

Well, that hit like a lightning bolt.

Adios, Marty Schottenheimer, who follows his protege Bill Cowher into the land of former NFL head coaches. It's a shame for Marty, who seems like a decent enough guy and has a sterling record for regular season wins over his long career, but still ... he will be remembered for so many negatives: the boneheaded, overly conservative play-calling late in games; the "choker" label; the ignominious 5-13 record in the playoffs; the inability to win "The Big One;" and the scorn and opprobrium heaped upon him by columnists and bloggers, including, but not limited to, The Big Lead and FireSchottenheimer.com.

Not that we dispute or object to any of that.

Actually, after four AFC Championship Game losses during the Cowher era (not to be bitter), some of us Steelers fans understand all of that.

On a brighter note, what a plum job has suddenly come available. The Chargers had the best regular-season record, 14-2, in the NFL last season. The talent on that team is ridiculous, arguably as good as any in the NFL.

So, how long till the rumors start that the Chargers management cabal is courting Bill Cowher to take over the reins in San Diego? Nah, the Chin wouldn't do that to his former mentor.

Would he?

Nah. So, who will take the reins in San Diego?

As Claud Rains, playing Capt. Louis Renault, said in Casablanca, "Line up the usual suspects."

Whatever

Well. That Clears That Up.

In Pittsburgh, an Allegheny County judge today granted Steelers All-Pro defensive back Troy Polamalu permission to legally change his name.

"It’ll scare the piss out of you, just watching it.”

Thanks to Mondesi's House for providing a link to this terrific piece by Gary Andrew Poole in recognition and appreciation of the late, great Hunter S. Thompson's classic coverage of Super Bowl VIII in Houston (1974).

“Hey, Look! ... Mellencamp’s Truck Commercial is On Again!! ... And It’s Been So Long Since We’ve Seen It!!!”

The Mighty MJD nominates Mellencamp’s cloying and insipid commercial as a contender for the worst television ad of this NFL season. It has some heavy competition, including Jessica Simpson’s spot for DirecTV and Strahan/Jared for Subway. Ugh.

Well, since Chevy and its ad agency won’t let it drop, neither will we.

"Commitment to the Run"

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin has emphasized that he believes any successful team must have a strong running game. All too often, however, “commitment to the run” is but a forgotten platitude. Example A: Witness how the New Orleans Saints gave workhorse stud running back Deuce McAllister only six carries in the NFC Championship Game against the Chicago Bears.

So, give the Chicago Bears credit for playing to their strength early in the NFC Championship Game and sticking to the run on a key second-quarter drive against the Saints. Running back Thomas Jones carried the ball on all eight plays of the drive, which culminated in a two-yard touchdown run.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls love this sort of drive, which was dissected and analyzed nicely by Michael David Smith at Football Outsiders.

Nothing demoralizes a defense more than being unable to stop the run. Then, when the defense overcompensates and stacks the line to try to stop the run, it becomes vulnerable to the aerial attack – which is what happened later in the Bears-Saints game.

The Indianapolis Colts have their notice.

R.I.P. Barbaro, Our Equine Friend

"Special"

The Steelers have a new special teams coach. Bob Ligashesky most recently worked in the same capacity for the St. Louis Rams, whose special teams last year were even worse than the Steelers’, which is a little disturbing.

What in the name of Ricardo Colclaugh are they thinking? Dunno.

We don’t know anything about Ligashesky, except for a little insight shared by a colleague who played on the same high school football team as Ligashesky, who grew up in McKees Rocks:

“As if it mattered to anybody else, he was always concerned with how he looked in his uniform, even during plays. It was like he was more concerned with his appearance than with how he played. His wristbands always had to be just so, and his neck roll was special-ordered, too.

“He was a baby. When he’d lose, he’d cry.

“When he was an assistant coach under Walt Harris at Pitt, he was the goofball who engineered that Swinging Gate fiasco. There was no reason for that. Nothing he ever did had a reason. His life had no reason. He was always a gimmick guy, a prima donna, a pretty boy. He always had to come up with something cute.”

Oh, oh: “Cute.”

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hate “cute.”

For what it’s worth, the Steelers hired Ligashesky one day after he was fired by the Rams. Courtesy of the Pittsburgh Steelers Fanatic blog, here is how the Rams’s special teams last year compared (unfavorably) to the Steelers’ special teams:

For the season recently completed the Rams' special teams ranked this way compared to the rest of the league (and compared to the Steelers):

• Punt Return Average: 25th (Steelers: 19th)
• Kickoff Return Average: 26th (Steelers: 21st)
• Net Punting Average: 12th (Steelers: 18th)
• Opponent Punt Return Average: 19th (Steelers: 2nd)
• Opponent Kickoff Return Average: 28th (Steelers: 18th)
• Opponent Net Punting Average: 31st (Steelers: 21st)

Cute. Not.

Igloo Postcript: A Philadelphia Writer’s Perspective

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls happened upon the following note posted on these here Internets by a Philadelphia-based hockey writer who visited the Civic Arena early this season. Sorry for the lack of attribution, but sometimes we’re just not very smart. Anyway, it’s his take on the Igloo and the Burgh:

“I know the Igloo needs to be replaced, but I honestly love this kind of building. It has a ton of personality. Lots of odd angled overhanging sections of seats that you can tell were added to try and keep it up to snuff with the newer 20,000 seat monster buildings. To get to the press box you need a map. The building itself feels like you are in an actual Igloo. The giant dome, that used to be able to be opened until they put the big scoreboard in, plays havoc with perspective if you are not careful. It would have been so awesome if it still did open I thought. Nights like this past week, the Pens could have played their game in the open air.

“The room where the media eats prior to the game is the same room that the team holds their postgame press conferences. So you can have leftover chocolate cake while asking Evgeni Malkin’s interpreter if he ever shattered glass with his slapshot. It is all part of the cool, intimate feel of the Igloo.

“Malkin on the ice absolutely blew me away. He may become known as one of the most complete players to ever play the game. Skates like Sergei Fedorov, stickhandles like Alexander Ovechkin, drives the net like Cam Neely, passes like Mario Lemieux, hits like Scott Stevens, and shoots like Bobby Hull. He is one of those guys that I’d pay to see play any night. Sidney Crosby is another, of course.

“After the game I was famished, and the Steelhead was mobbed, so I hopped a cab to ‘Southside’ and had some pancakes at Tom’s Diner. The place was filled with young hipsters, and a few with Pens jerseys on. A group of girls at the table near me were having a funny discussion about the last men they were ‘with.’ That kept me entertained.

"Pittsburgh is truly a blast. I was amazed, when I drove the second time it was only 4 hours door to door for me. If you are in Philly, NY, Wash, or the Midwest you really should see a game in this building before it is gone.”

The Igloo

Amid the current furor and public clamor for a new hockey/concert arena in Pittsburgh, the Post-Gazette’s Brian O’Neill recounts the early days of the Civic Arena, also known as “The Igloo” and currently sporting the corporate-sponsored moniker of “Mellon Arena.”

Built in 1961, the Civic Arena was originally conceived as a venue for the Civic Light Opera. Over the years, the building has played host to the Pittsburgh Penguins, various circuses, truck and tractor pulls, wrestling extravaganzas, the Ice Capades and thousands of memorable concerts.

Many people today don’t realize the arena was built with a retractable roof, which no longer operates. Like Brian O’Neill, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls attended the same Bob Dylan concert played with the roof open on an early summer evening. Dylan did his usual thing, which was to play dozens of songs you know but wouldn’t necessarily recognize because he rendered them in entirely new melodies or arrangements that were throughly entertaining anyway.

We saw another concert, by Pink Floyd, when the roof opened during the concert. All of a sudden, during “Dark Side of the Moon,” the roof began to retract, the band continued to play, and thousands of stoned fans looked aloft in wonderment as the hovering cumulous cloud of smoke above them wafted into the starlit sky. “Whoa-oohhh.”

A lot of people today say the Civic Arena is a dump, and it probably is. But we’ve always been fond of it.

We've always been fond, too, of the beauteous feminine pulchritude that is Shania Twain. That's her in the photos, by the way -- in concert, yup, you guessed it, at the Civic Arena.

Dewey Defeats Truman

In Saturday's edition of The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, "reporter" Mike Prisuta cited "a source in Pittsburgh" as confirming that Russ Grimm had been offered and had accepted the job as new head coach of the Steelers.

Wrong.

On WDVE-FM this morning, Prisuta backslid and hemmed-hawed about reporting such a grievously erroneous story, and because of this disingenuousness, we can't let it go. Neither can Ryan at Heels Sox and Steelers. Prisuta should be embarrassed, if not ashamed of himself. At the very least, he should step up and admit he made a mistake. People forgive mistakes.

From the Insomniac's Lounge

In Monday's entry titled, "Super Bowl Shuffled," Insomniac's Lounge has a typically on-point yet skewed take on the state of the NFL playoffs, media coverage of the two Super Bowl coaches, religion, histrionics and general tomfoolery. It's worth a read, and you'll get lines like the following:

"The passes Brady was tossing to Caldwell were so soft, even Terrell Owens could have held on to them. But Caldwell was dropping them like Bill Belichick drops a mistress."

Hot Stove Update: The Post-Gazette's Brian O'Neill, also known as The Stats Geek, makes a compelling argument for the following Pirates lineup order, from slots one through eight: Chris Duffy, Freddy Sanchez, Jason Bay, Adam LaRoche, Xavier Nady, Ronny Paulino, Jose Bautista and Jack Wilson.

We couldn't agree more. It makes so much sense it will never happen.

It Feels Right

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls like the selection of Mike Tomlin as the new head coach of the Steelers. By all accounts, the man has his act together. He’d better, because it will be a hectic week for him.

Besides conducting interviews with the media, closing out his relationship with the Minnesota Vikings, taking care of personal family business and getting more familiar with people in the Steelers organization, he will have to assume actual head coaching responsibilities RIGHT NOW.

This will entail lining up assistant coaches, dealing with the media and attending the Senior Bowl workouts this week in Mobile, Ala. As St. Louis Rams head coach Scott Linehan observed, “The Senior Bowl’s the best evaluation we've got other than the (NFL scouting) combine,” Linehan said. “The (campus) workouts are fine, but they rank No. 3 in my book. ... At the Senior Bowl, you get to watch them (practice) football. And doing what we do. It's a pretty good measuring stick.”

Tomlin’s players in Minnesota reportedly are universally disappointed he’s leaving them but happy he landed a head coaching position. Here’s just one quote sampling:

“It was the things he said, and sometimes the most important things are the things you don't say,” defensive lineman Ross Kolodziej said. “Sometimes coaches have a tendency to blow stuff up, and he was an extremely cool customer.

“He never loses his composure or his poise, and that kind of trickles down to the players. I never saw him come in at halftime and kick something over. He always portrayed the fact he was in control, and that's important in a leadership role: to always be calm under fire.”

Clearly, the Steelers didn’t want to wait another two weeks or so until Ron Rivera, defensive coordinator of the Super Bowl-bound Chicago Bears, became available. Rivera’s defense did a more than commendable job in limiting the New Orleans Saints’ offense to just two touchdowns while forcing four turnovers on Sunday.

Yet the Steelers’ management staff evidently believe they made the right choice with Tomlin. It’s just a gut feeling, but we do, too.

We’ll have more to say about this hiring over the next few days. For now, suffice to say that it feels right.

One more observation: “Let me tell you something, I've talked to some old coaches who felt Mike Tomlin should have been a head coach (already),” said former Super Bowl MVP quarterback Doug Williams, a personnel executive for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “It ain't about age. Presence. Charisma. Knowledge. People skills. Organizational skills. I think Mike Tomlin has it all.”

Upon Further Review: Here's the view from Mondesi's House.

A Sunday Audition?

When the New Orleans Saints visit the Chicago Bears on Sunday afternoon to determine which NFC team will advance to the Super Bowl, do you think Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera will have in the back of his mind that the performance of his defense may well play a key factor in determining whether he will win the Steelers' head coaching job?

Does it ratchet up the already considerable pressure on him? Will it indirectly affect his preparations for the game or his in-game decision making?

Probably not, but these are fair questions.

After all, the Saints, who racked up nearly 500 yards against the Steelers’ defense yet somehow managed to lose the game, have a formidable offense that last week tallied, again, nearly 500 yards against the Philadelphia Eagles.

In the pressure-cooker of an NFC championship game at home in Chicago, how will the Rivera-led Bears defense hold up? How will they compare to the Steelers’ defense’s performance in their regular-season game against the Saints?

Is that even a fair comparison? Probably not.

Whatever the case, it has become clear the Steelers will wait until Monday, at least, to decide who will succeed Bill Cowher as the team’s head coach. The Steelers have no reason at this point to hurry their decision. It appears no other teams are clamoring for the services of either of the other two candidates, Mike Tomlin, defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings, or Russ Grim, assistant head coach and offensive line coach of the Steelers.

So, the Steelers have the luxury to see how Rivera performs as he leads his squad in the glare of the national spotlight during Sunday’s conference championship game.

It will be no easy task.

As noted here in the week before the Steelers hosted the Saints on Nov. 12, the Saints’ offense has a deep corps of explosive receivers and running backs, a completely rebuilt yet effective offensive line and a smart, veteran leader in Drew Brees, who has emerged as one of the league’s elite quarterbacks.

So ... will defending against this squad in Sunday’s game represent, essentially, an audition for Ron Rivera as prospective head coach of the Steelers? How much weight will the Steelers’ management team put into this one game? If his defense flops, will he even get a second interview with the Steelers? Or has the decision been made already?

Some media pundits have concluded the Steelers have already opted to hire Russ Grimm. They’ve said the tell-tale sign is that the Steelers refused to allow Ken Whisenhunt, the new Arizona Cardinals head coach and former Steelers' offensive coordinator, to interview Steelers’ assistant coaches Keith Butler and Bruce Arians for positions on his staff. Isn’t it possible, however, that Steelers’ management had a discussion on this topic with Mike Tomlin? Isn’t it conceivable that Tomlin said he would like to retain most of the current assistants, including Butler and Arians?

Hey, at this point, anything’s possible.

Red Flag Warning: Keep in mind one thing with respect to both Rivera and Tomlin: Both coach defenses in the NFC North, which is arguably the NFL’s weakest division. The Bears are clearly the division’s best team, but that may be faint praise considering they are followed by the 6-10 Vikings, the non-descript Green Bay Packers and the abysmal Detroit Lions.

The better ― and more revealing — test for Rivera and the Bears defense will be on Sunday at Soldier Field against New Orleans.

Here come the Saints.

A Different Perspective

The Mighty MJD offers several, shall we say, "interesting" links on his "Cliff (Stoudt) Notes" page at the aol.Fanhouse.

And, with his "Letter From Tom Brady's Poodle," The Mighty MJD continues his ever-entertaining "Letters From Pets" series, the highlight of which, in our opinion, was the classic "A Letter From Joey Porter's Pit Bulls," which more or less served as the inspiration for this particular lame-ass blog. Keep up the good work, MJD. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

A Little More Seriously

All righty, then.

The Steelers have interviewed Minnesota Vikings Defensive Coordinator Mike Tomlin a second time.

Some people would say the second interview of an NFL head coaching candidate essentially represents a job offer.

We disagree.

It does represent, however, a pretty serious second date.

There will be no third interview.

The next phone call from the Steelers to Mike Tomlin will either be a job offer or an expression of thanks and best wishes.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls had never heard of the guy until a few weeks ago. Having gotten to know a little about him through media reports these past few days, however, he seems likeable enough. He's a Tony Dungy protégé. Tony Dungy was a Chuck Noll protégé, and what’s not to like about that?

Based on what we heard during a press conference last evening following his second interview, Tomlin says all the right things.

Still, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls remain skeptical.

It’s one thing to say all the right things during a job interview or a press conference. It’s another to actually do the job.

As noted today by Ed Bouchette in The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Tomlin’s Vikings’ defense this past year ranked first in the NFL against the run, but it tied for last against the pass. Granted, this is always a dicey equation and cannot necessarily be taken at face value.

More interesting, perhaps, is the Vikings’ pass rush stats for quarterback sacks — a mere 30 — a total that is below the league average of 36.4.

That’s with a 4-3 defense. What does it all mean? We have no idea.

Yet Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are beginning to wonder if it might not be time for the Steelers to switch from their existing 3-4 defense to a 4-3. The Steelers’ linebacking foursome this past year showed serious signs of deterioration, especially at the outside pass-rush positions. We expect the linebacking corps to be rebuilt very soon – perhaps this offseason.

Plus, it’s entirely conceivable that a core front four of Brett Kiesel, Chris Hoke, Casey Hampton and Aaron Smith would be highly effective. So, it seems, the Steelers might have the base personnel to switch to a 4-3 defense, even if it raises the following (major) question: Would that entail switching James Farrior to an outside linebacker position and having Larry Foote man the MLB position? Again, no idea.

Still, there is another reason to consider switching to a 4-3 defense: The Steelers divisional rivals have built their respective offenses to defend – yes, that’s the appropriate word – defend — against the Steelers’ brand of 3-4 defense. It’s time to cross them up.

We’re not really sure what else to say at this point, so we’ll leave the last word for this entry to Mike Tomlin:

“I'm a fundamentalist as opposed to scheme. I think football is a tough-man's game, it's an attrition game. You win by stopping the run and being able to run the ball effectively — and doing the things winners do, being a detailed-oriented football team, playing with great passion and executing.”

No Grimm Puns Here

All right, all right: We know.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls are overdue for weighing in with our worthless opinions on the Steelers’ coaching situation.

There’s just not much to say.

The Steelers’ next head coach will be Russ Grimm.

Unless …

Unless it’s Ron Rivera of the Chicago Bears or Mike Tomlin of the Minnesota Vikings.

If, in fact, the choice is either Rivera or Tomlin – both of whom are defensive coordinators – what would that mean for Dick LeBeau, the Steelers’ own highly respected and well-established defensive coordinator?

We can’t believe an incoming coach – any coach – would not want Dick LeBeau as his defensive coordinator. Both Rivera and Tomlin, however, apparently are proponents of schemes different than what the Steelers have been running under LeBeau. But that’s not to say LeBeau couldn’t adjust to a new coach, or vice-versa.

Perhaps the Steelers’ brass simply wants an infusion of outside blood? Do they want to completely revamp the Steelers’ style of play? Perhaps they believe the 70-year-old LeBeau plans to retire in a year or two, anyway, so now is as good a time as any to make a complete overhaul?

Nah. We think not.

Russ Grimm knows this team, he would retain most (if not all) of the remaining assistant coaches and, by all accounts, he is more than well-qualified for the job. Finally, as noted here previously, he was “Assistant Head Coach” under Bill Cowher, which made him second in line of command and, presumably, the logical successor to Cowher, even though Ken Whisenhunt, as offensive coordinator, was the more publicly high-profile assistant coach.

It’ll be Russ Grimm. And we’re okay with that. We think.

Designing Content for PDAs, the iPhone and Other Small Screens

With the buzz generated by last week's iPhone announcement, Creativepro.com weighs in with a pragmatic consideration for those of us who develop Web content for people who use mobile devices such as Treos, Blackberries and other PDAs, not to mention the soon-to-be-launched iPhone.

Resentful

All right. Let’s get this straight. I am grateful to be employed. Nobody owes me a living or, for that matter, the observance of a national holiday.

Having said that, I resent having to work today. It is, after all, a National Holiday.

Either observe it as such, or let’s have an open discussion of just what constitutes a national holiday.

Let’s see … where do we draw the line? Oh, that whole Civil Rights Movement? Just a footnote in history, right?

Martin Luther King, Jr. represents the figurehead for whom this holiday is acknowledged (at least in academia and government), yet this particular day really is in recognition of the struggle for civil rights in this country.

There was a day, not so long ago, when the fathers and mothers of my friends and neighbors of color were referred to either as “nigger” or “colored.” Hopefully, those days are gone, forever, in no small part because of the civil rights movement.

It's just my opinion, but the Civil Rights Movement does, indeed, merit a day of reflection.

All I'm saying is, let’s remember what this particular holiday signifies.

Many American companies, however, including the one for whom I work, require their employees to work today. It's as if the day ... and the Civil Rights Movement ... doesn't count. Not in the grand scheme of American commerce.

I suppose what drove it home for me was that one of my clients, a British company with offices in the United States, is observing this day as the American holiday that is. Officially.

Frankly, I feel badly for my friends and co-workers of color who, like me, have to work today.

It is, after all, a national holiday.

Think Tank, Schmtink Tank

Ray Charles could've seen this coming.
And just who are "America's Enemies?"

Back From Mad Ave.

Interesting; productive; fun.

Intellectually engaging client.

Scary Headline of the Day

"Cheney To Hunt in Westmoreland County Today"

It just shows to go ya:

"Those who do not learn the lessons
of history are doomed to repeat it."

There's Something Wrong With This Picture

Courtesy of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the photograph shown above depicts skanky talentless slut pop chanteuse Christina Aguilera doing an Anna Nicole Smith serenading billionaire egomaniac businessman Joe Hardy, founder of the 84 Lumber chain of hardware stores, at his 84^th birthday party. Get it? The celebration also included performances by Robin Williams, Bette Midler and a cast of the Broadway musical “A Chorus Line.” Gee, we didn’t know Joe Hardy was gay. Not that there’s anything wrong … but then again, where's she going with her hand? No wonder he's smiling!

Decisions, Decisions

Just an uninformed observation, and then on to the NFL: Isn’t it ironic that, at a glance, the Bush’s administration plan for Iraqi economic stabilization entails what appears to be a $1 billion (?!) FDR-style, WPA-like plan to create jobs through a public works program. It’s ironic because the Bush administration has been trying to marginalize, if not undo, the impact of FDR’s Depression-era policies ever since it took office.

Now, on to more salient issues of the day (at least for us) …

Like all good mechanisms, the NFL represents the sum of its inter-related parts. Nothing operates in a vacuum. For Steelers’ fans, fond as we are of navel-gazing and (currently) agonizing over whether franchise management will select (as Head Coach Bill Cowher’s replacement) either Assistant Head Coach Russ Grimm or Offensive Coordinator Ken Whisenhunt (or even a wild card outsider such as Ron Rivera, defensive coordinator of the Chicago Bears), it’s interesting to note what happened in Atlanta over the weekend.

The Atlanta Falcons named the University of Louisville’s Bobby Petrino as the team’s new head coach. This is worth noting and bears watching on a number of levels:

1) First, it eliminates the Steelers’ Ken Whisenhunt as a candidate for the Falcons’ job, for which he was widely considered a front-runner for the following reasons: First and foremost, he’s a bright and seriously accomplished young coach who will get his shot this year at a head coaching position somewhere in the NFL. Additionally, because he attended Georgia Tech, and because he and his wife are from the Atlanta area, the Falcon’s job presumably would have been attractive to him, especially if the Steelers offered their head coaching position to another candidate.

2) Second, both Petrino and Whisenhunt last year reportedly were offered head coaching jobs in the NFL, or at least were serious candidates. Both declined their respective opportunities. Under Petrino, the University of Louisville has over the past few years and has correspondingly plowed enormous sums of money into it, including investments in a brand new stadium and other facilities, in addition to recruiting, staff, assistants and marketing. Keep in mind that based on Louisville’s gigundous offer last year to Petrino, it looked like Petrino had made the decision that Louisville was the place where he wanted to make his legacy as a lifelong, big-time college coach, which is not necessarily a bad legacy to have. No, sirreee, not at all ... if that’s what you want to do. Louisville’s contract with Petrino thus made it necessary for Atlanta to offer Petrino an even more sumptuous offer: $24 million over five years, plus lavish perks and (presumably) ancillary inducements such as decision-making freedom and the budgets to hire the assistants he wants and the free-agent talent (cap allowing) that he desires.

3) As for Whisenhunt, who declined the Oakland Raiders’ offer last year to become that moribund franchise's head coach, the speculation following that decision was that Bill Cowher had informed him of his own plans to resign following the 2006 season, opening the way for Whiz to become the de facto leading candidates as the Steelers’ head coach this off-season. That was (speculatively) one reason for him to decline the head coaching position in Oakland last off-season. The other reasons, not surprisingly, included the lack of talent in Oakland and, probably even more so, the penurious control-freak owner (Al Davis) and the small-minded management team that is stuck in a “Pride ‘n Poise” time warp that would seriously cramp any head coach’s ability to succeed in Oaktown. Thank you, Art Shell, for your efforts in 2006.

4) Now, a question: Why did Atlanta reach into the college ranks (historically risky) to hire its head coach instead of selecting somebody (Whisenhunt) more familiar with the ways of the NFL and who, incidentally, had his fingerprints all over the 2005 Super Bowl winner and orchestrated a top 10 offense in 2006? (yeah, we know, it’s hard to believe)? The answer: Michael Vick. It’s no secret Michael Vick is a coach killer. Hell, Jim Mora, Sr., the father of Vick’s most recent coach, Jim Mora, Jr., said it himself on the radio airwaves during the season. Vick has talent, and throughout his career, his head coaches have tried to harness and channel that talent. Give Jim Mora, Jr. credit: He tried to install a style of offense conducive to Vick’s talent. Mora fils seemed to be using as a model Hall of Famer Steve Young, who had many attributes similar to Michael Vick’s – both, left-handed, mobile quarterbacks who could potentially exploit the best attributes of the West Coast offense. Coincidentally, Jim Mora, Sr. coached Steve Young for a couple of years in the now long-defunct USFL, where Young could learn the West Coast offense without anybody paying much attention. Vick has had no such under-the-radar training ground. He has had to try learn the Mora system in the harsh, unforgiving spotlight of the NFL, and he has not had much success. Atlanta, however, has so much invested in Vick that the franchise is stuck with him. So, instead of trying to make Vick fit a “system,” it is bringing in Petrino to fit a system to Vick. Which system? Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls speculate that we can fully expect it to be one with which Petrino is extremely familiar: The spread-option offense perfected by Petrino’s rival, West Virginia University Head Coach Rich Rodriguez with QB Pat White, who like Vick is left-handed, passes adequately well -- sometimes -- and is an incredible running quarterback. Will it work in the NFL? Maybe, for a while, until opposing defenses figure it out. But it seems like Atlanta is willing to try one last-ditch attempt to salvage something of its disastrous draft-day trade of a few years ago when it sacrificed two draft picks -- which became QB Drew Brees, a front-runner for this year’s NFL MVP, and LaDanian Tomlinson, the actual winner of this year’s NFL MVP Award -- for the rights to select Vick with the first overall pick in that year’s NFL draft.

5) Which brings us back to the Steelers’ decision on a new head coach: Choices, choices; decisions, decisions. There are pros and cons, of course, to Messrs. Grimm, Whisenhunt, Rivera, et al. Just one observation: In last year’s coaching hierarchy (organizational chart), it was Russ Grimm who was Assistant Head Coach. This title made him second in line of command to Cowher, although as offensive line coach, he was presumably subservient to Whisenhunt’s role as offensive coordinator. Hmmm. Verry interesting, verr-ry interesting.

Pardon the Interruption

Sorry about that. Having been chastised for neglecting Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls, we are back.

Let’s see-e-e … much has happened since our last missive:

James Brown passed on to that great stage in the sky, where no doubt he is putting on a SHOW for the angels and saints. “Hallelujah!” As Jake in The Blues Brothers, exclaimed, “I see the light!”

It’s an understatement to say James Brown was prolific in his output of great music over the years. Not only his hits that are familiar to everyone — Sex Machine, Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag, Night Train, and on an on — but also his more obscure work.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls, for example, has a double-CD of studio instrumentals by James Brown’s band, and it is awesome. Being all instrumentals, James Brown doesn’t sing, but he does contribute the occasional grunt and “Eeeow-w-w!!!” It’s just another example of how he worked with great musicians and, in many cases, made them even better, and more professional than they might have been otherwise.

And we may accept the Final Word from the man himself:

“It’s a man’s man’s man’s world,
But it ain’t nuthin’ … without a woman or a girl.”

• The Steelers’ disappointing season ended on a winning note, with the best part being they beat the thug Bengals in a game the Bungles absolutely had to win for a chance to make the playoffs. We'll take it. Both teams finished 8-8, which gives us some modicum of satisfaction because Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hate the Bungles and their cast of loathsome miscreants. Fast Willie Parker, God bless him, contributed 134 yards rushing, along with two touchdowns, to conclude a superb season of nearly 1,500 yards rushing and 16 touchdowns (a franchise record). And he was named the team’s MVP. Congrats, Willie. We’ve been rooting for you since you since you first showed up as an undrafted free agent rookie given a slim chance to make the team. You are our favorite Steeler.

• Christmas came and went. Christmas Day itself was fine, as Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hosted the family and others for a splendid feast and accompanying merriment.
  

• The week after Christmas was a serious letdown marked by dolor, melancholy, ennui, dispiritedness, slack depression and acute loneliness, probably all triggered by a disturbing image planted in one’s brain by a troubling Christmas Eve phone call that totally fucked with one’s head. We did not need that. Enough of that.

• We did nothing of note on New Year’s Eve, and the New Year arrived unceremoniously.

• The Pirates signed Jose “K” Hernandez, the “K” standing for strikeout since the man does that a lot, a whole lot.

• We returned to work, and it seems like we should be in, say, March already. Damn.

• And, last but not least, Bill Cowher, in all his solipsistic disquietude, continued to give every indication he’s about to resign as Steelers head coach. Quitter. Get over yourself, already, Bill, and make your announcement, so we can move on.

And that’s exactly what we’re going to do. We’re gonna move on. Kind of like James Brown.

Joey Porter: PR Mastermind

Over at Just Sayin', GW9K praises Joey Porter's business acumen and public relations savvy in the post titled, "Who put this thing together? Me, that's who!"

Also, the good folks at Sportsocracy weigh in with their opinion, and it is certainly worth considering.

With A Bow On Top

We’re at kind of an in-between dead spot in the Steelers season, so let’s have more fun with holiday season television commercials.

Ranking right up there on the annoyance meter and vying with jewelry store spots for Top Spot in the Cloying Category are the annual spate of holiday-season luxury-car-as-gift commercials.

You know the ones: Lexus, BMW, Infiniti, Mercedes, Volvo … all nice cars, but let’s get real: Nobody is going to give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.

Check that. A long time ago, somebody actually did give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.

God bless Mrs. Edith Alexander, may she rest in peace. As a kid growing up in Shadyside, Joey Porter's Pit Bulls were neighbors to the elderly Mrs. Alexander and her husband, Tom. Both were distinguished, genteel and scholarly professors at Carnegie Mellon University. Mrs. Alexander was one of the first women to graduate from Harvard University, and she was the first woman dean of CMU’s Margaret Morrison College.

She had cocktails every afternoon at 4 p.m.

Eventually, she decided she decided it was time to start giving stuff, like her Harvard Classics Five Foot Shelf of Books, away, mostly to me.

And, in time, it no longer made sense for her to drive.

So she gave me her car.

It was a Plymouth Volare.

Have you finished laughing? It’s okay, go ahead.

Finished? All right, good.

The car was primer gray in color. It was 10 years old and had 5,000 miles on the odometer. And it had a red, perforated cardboard interior ceiling.

Upon taking ownership, I called my buddy Dale, tough guy and a smartass, too, and told him my neighbor gave me a car. I didn’t tell him what type or make.

I just said, “Hey, man, you’ll see soon enough. Be outside your place at 7:30 sharp. We’ll cruise around a bit.”

Later, Dale told his side of the story: “So, I’m sitting there, front step, smokin’ a joint, waiting. From down the street, off in the distance, I hear what sounds like singing. ‘Voh-lar-ayyy, ooh-oh-ohh-oh. Can-tar-ay-y-y, ohh-oh-ho-oh.’ I look up and halfway down the block I see this asshole leaning out the window of this butt-ugly, puke gray Volare drive up, stop, and say, “Well? Whaddya think??”

Fast forward. Last Christmas morning, I’m up at daylight and out for a morning walk with Myron and Mongo (my dogs, not Joey Porter’s). Myron, Mongo and I are fortunate to live on a nice street in a nice neighborhood. We circle the block and come up on the house next door and behind my place on the corner. Our neighbor’s home is a beautiful, gracious old house with a three-car garage and short driveway that will accommodate three vehicles, but only one car was sitting in the driveway — a sleek, brand new, silver-gray Lexus sedan … with an enormous red bow on its roof.

I couldn’t help but wonder what Mrs. Alexander would think.

And, somehow, I kept seeing that Lexus morph into a primer-gray Volare.

With a bow on top.

Postscript: Much later, the woman who became the future Mrs. Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls refused to ride in the Volare and didn’t want me to be seen in it, either. She really hated everything about the car, especially the red perforated ceiling. I kept threatening to soup up the Volare and turn it into a muscle car, but I eventually lost interest and got another vehicle. It seemed like too much trouble to sell the Volare, and I simply stopped driving it. It was parked on the street where we lived in Wilkinsburg and eventually it disappeared. I didn’t file a complaint with the police. Some time later, I saw some old cat driving it around as a jitney hack serving Wilkinsburg and Homewood. I hope it served him well.

One more thing: Other people share our wonderment at the whole genre of luxury-car-as-gift ads.

To Die For

In an article headlined, “Gem Sellers Launch Blitz Against Blood Diamond” the trade publication Ad Age reports the World Diamond Council has launched a $15 million “public relations” campaign to quash open discussion negativity associated with the diamond trade.

According to Ad Age, “South Africa-based DeBeers, which markets more than 40% of the world's diamonds, has been front and center in the PR efforts.”

The new movie Blood Diamond opened a few days ago against the juxtaposition of a holiday-season torrent of incessant and mind-numbing advertising by exploitative retail jewelry chain stores like Zales, Kay Jewelers and the most insipid and embarrassed of them all, Jared, which was apparently named after the guy in the Subway commercial.

“The film makes its debut,” notes Ad Age, “during the heaviest selling season for the $60 billion-a-year worldwide diamond industry …Watchdogs think a powerful Hollywood film that's well-received could be the diamond business’ worst nightmare, causing a boycott of the gems that movies and TV shows for years have glamorized.”

As Ben Harper sang, “She’s got di-a-monds on-n the in-side.”

Many Happy Returns

Congratulations, Devin Hester, for your NFL-record SIXTH return for a touchdown this year. Man, that is a serious accomplishment. You were dynamite at the University of Miami, and you are even more so in your rookie season with the Chicago Bears.

Very impressive, indeed.

For the past two/three years, Devin Hester was the best and certainly the most highly visible kick returner in the college game. He dabbled at wide receiver, defensive back and running back, but the real value he brought to his team was as a breakaway kick returner.

In March and April 2006, however, most NFL scouts and draftniks summarily dismissed him as a “player without a position” and projected him as a fourth-round draft pick.

Kudos to the Bears for recognizing the value of an explosive return game and jumping up to take him in the second round. That surprised pretty much everybody.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls suspect the Steelers had their eye on the young Mr. Hester and wanted to draft him to replace Antwaan Randle-El as the primary kick returner … but we also suspect the Bears recognized this and acted aggressively to beat the Steelers to this draft pick.

This, we surmise, had a ripple effect on the Steelers draft tactics: After the Bears drafted Devin Hester, the Steelers panicked and drafted another player without a position: Willie Reid, the very raw wide receiver from Florida State, in the third round, primarily to return kicks.

Do we want to review how well that worked out? Didn’t think so.

So let’s get right to it.

For some reason, Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher, in the solipsist disquietude of consciousness, sat Willie Reid in the early games of the season in favor of Retardo Ricardo Coughley and Santonio Holmes, both of whom demonstrated an uncanny ability to fumble repeatedly.

When Willie Reid finally saw his first game action, he returned one punt for 11 yards and promptly sustained an injured foot that ended his season.

Congratulations to all.

He Went to Jared? The Guy in the Subway Commercials? (part deux)

No Steelers game on Sunday, so let’s see … let’s take a look at other forms of entertainment like, say, cinema and television commercials.

The new film Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and the estimable Jennifer Connelly, is out and was reviewed in the local paper over the weekend.

A blood diamond is a diamond mined in a war zone and sold to finance war efforts, frequently those of warlord factions in places like Sierra Leone, Angola, Liberia and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Kanye West has weighed in on this issue in his song, “Diamonds from Sierra Leone.”

Apparently, DeBeers Group, which controls the majority of the diamond trade, has expressed its unhappiness with Blood Diamond and Warner Bros.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls have yet to see Blood Diamond, but if you are one of the two or three people who have visited this site, you know one of our pet peeves is the incessant inundation of holiday-season jewelry store commercials.

The Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber opined eloquently on this topic a few weeks ago, and we have ranted, as well. The timing of the release of Blood Diamond is in stark juxtaposition to the pre-Christmas airing of all the inane commercials from places like Zale’s, Kay Jewelers and Jared.

Jared? No, not the guy from the Subway commercials, but I always think of Subway when I see the commercials for Jared, the jewelers, which are probably the most annoying of any poisoning the airwaves.

They meretriciously pander to the basest level of audience idiocy; not to mention, the quality of diamonds you’ll be getting from these types of mass chain store, mall-based stores is subpar, as noted by The Christmas Ape.

So, diamonds are a girl’s best friends? Sure.

A long time ago in a land far, far away, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls decided it was time.

We didn’t even own a car at the time, but off we went to Bailey Banks & Biddle to dutifully buy the engagement rock that cost about as much as a good used car. A really good used car.

Afterwards, on a work-related photo shoot, we mentioned the purchase to Harry the photographer and goofily said, “What have I got to lose?”

Harry got real quiet and pensive, and he paused before saying ominously, “Everything.”

We looked at each other, and he said earnestly, “Having been there, I can tell you this is not a step to be taken lightly. You can lose everything. Money, sure, but that’s the least of it. Peace of mind.

"And, the worst thing, time. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll never get back the time you put into it.”

You know what? He was right.

And if she hasn’t done so already, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hope she sells that damn diamond and buys herself a good used car.

Oh, and by the way: A recently published book, “Blood from Stones,” links al-Qaeda to diamonds. According to the book, al-Qaeda is likely using the hard-to-trace diamonds in place of cash, in various transactions to fund its activities around the world and to counter legislation on seizing terrorist-associated bank accounts.

Just something to think about, Jared.

NO, not the guy in the Subway commercials.