Tuesday, February 08, 2011

It's Our Fault the Steelers Lost the Super Bowl

It's all our fault.

We're guilty. It is Joey Porter's Pit Bulls' fault that the Steelers lost Super Bowl XLV.

First, we were born, baptized and confirmed Catholic. Roman Catholic. In England, that gets you asked, "You're Roman, aren't you, eh?"

After responding, reasonably, "What?', and wondering for a baffled moment what the hell this Cockney moron is talking about (Roman gladiators?), it dawns on you. "Oh, you mean Roman Catholic? Huh. Does it matter?"

But we digress. Those of us born, baptized and confirmed Catholic know we're guilty. We carry it around with us like a, well, a ... can't say it.

But we're guilty. It's our fault. If we had stuck to the same formula for success that won critical games during the regular season and two playoff games vs. the Ravens and Jets, the Steelers would have rallied to beat the Green Bay Packers.

It's complicated.

It all started with the color green. First, green was the color of the priest's vestments at Mass, and that means green vestments are worn by every priest at every Mass all across the Catholic universe -- if you doubt this, you can check any Catholic calendar. It's right there, in small letters at the bottom of the little block for Sunday, Feb. 6: "Green."

This was a concern from the get-go. Well, not the Get-Go, but you'd have to live in Pittsburgh to get that.

Second, our dog-walking jacket is green. That's the lucky jacket we wore on the days the Steelers beat the Ravens and then the Jets. It worked then, so why change? Green, however, is also the predominant color of, you guessed it, the Green Bay Packers, who wear green and gold.

After some considerable waffling -- the black jacket or the lucky green jacket? ... and after having actually donned the black jacket at home and then thinking, no, the green jacket has been effective, even against the green-clad Jets ("Gang Green") -- we decided to stay with the green jacket, albeit with some misgivings.

So, a bit later, walking along Hamilton Avenue with a black pit bull who was wearing a Steeler bandana no less, some cat in his car at the red light rolled down his window to yell out, "That better not be green and gold I see you wearing."

As a matter of fact it was: Green jacket complemented by a Steelers scarf and Steelers cap, both of which, naturally, are black and gold. Unless the idiot in the car didn't happen to notice the Steelers logo on the cap and scarf, he was willfully giving us a hard time just for the hell of it. And he kept woofing despite our protestations of Steeler loyalty. Any coward can yell from a car. Jerk.

Samson wanted a piece of him, but restraint seemed the better course that early in the day. If it had been later, however, after the game, the dude would have had to roll up the window pronto.

Green also happens to be the color of our lucky socks, which we wear only for Steelers games (and on St, Patrick's Day, of course). These socks work. They are infallible.

But did we forget to wear our lucky socks? Yes. Shamefully, unbelievably, yes, we forgot to wear the lucky socks. On Super Sunday. Of all days.

To compund our guilt, we also forgot to wear our lucky "Yoi!" shirt displaying the the picture of Myron Cope. That's the shirt that won the Ravens game, when we changed into it at halftime. That shirt triggered the Steelers' second-half comeback and ultimate triumph over Baltimore.

During the Super Bowl, however, by the time we realized we'd forgotten to wear Myron's shirt, the Steelers were already down by a halftime score of 21-3. Too much to overcome with too little, too late.

It gets worse.

For us Catholics, apparently it's not enough just to have a Black 'n Gold Steeler Rosary. You must actually say the Rosary. Which entails kneeling down and, you know, actually praying all the way through the Rosary, which takes about 45 minutes. Did we do that? We must confess, no.

So, you see, it really is our fault. We're guilty. It's because of Joey Porter's Pit Bulls that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl. Guilty is, as guilty does.

Well, at least we have St. Patrick's Day to look forward to.

And the Penguins!


Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

GUILT, you wanna talk guilt.....I survived 18 years of catholic schools. Grade School, High School, Under Grad, and Grad. Mercy nuns, no less!! It's a miracle I lived to tell the tale!!

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Mercy nuns for me, too. They weren't always so merciful. They must have participated in workshops on creative cruelty.

Maybe I survived, but at what price? ... at what cost?

"The Penguin" nun in the Blues Brothers may have appeared stern, but she was nuthin' compared to some of the "Sisters of Mercy" who traumatized my childhood, shook my nightmares and inculcated a rebellious nature that, for all I know, steered me in a certain direction throughout my scarred youth and subsequent years in adulthood.

It makes me feel feel guilty just thinking about it all.

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

It's funny, yesterday at the funeral I ran into my 4th grade teacher, Sr. Jane (who was Sr. Edith when I had her pre-vatican II). She was so beautiful and nice. Not at all like the wretched old burnt out crazies.
She had the voice of an angel. She is still beautiful. It was the only bright part of a horrific day. We sat at the wake and talked for hours.