Friday, August 08, 2008

We're Slipping

Come on, Pittsburghers! What is up with you!

Forbes magazine (and what do they know, anyway?) ranks Pittsburgh only No. 11 on its list of America's hardest-drinking cities.

This can't be right.

Even our AFC North Division rivals, Cleveland and Cincinnati, are rated above us. Of course, if you lived in those sinkholes, you'd drink heavily, too. The top five are Austin, Milwaukee, San Francisco, Providence (?) and Chicago.

This is embarrassing. You mean we don't measure up to frigging Providence?! Does Providence even count as a city? It's an outrage.

I blame the suburbanites. You drunks who stumble through Polish Hill, the South Side, Shadyside, Oakland, Carson Street, Bloomfield, etc., every night, well, you're doing your part, but we need more like you.

And, really, you too can pick it up.

I mean YOU.

Come on, starting tonight. There's a major music festival on the South Side … and more importantly, there's a STEELERS game, people!

So …step it up! Commence tailgating! NOW!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'll do my part! I know, I know.
No need to thank me.
Always willing to have a drink for the cause! (Whatever the cause may be)

Anonymous said...

I'll do my part! I know, I know.
No need to thank me.
Always willing to have a drink for the cause! (Whatever the cause may be)

Anonymous said...

See, I was so busy doing my part, I was too drunk to notice I hit enter twice on the previous comment.
Again, no need to thank me!