Blame it on Steely McBeam

Let's see ... much of what went wrong Saturday night sure looked familiar, starting with the 98-YARD KICKOFF RETURN!

Special teams (specifically kick coverage) have burned the Steelers all year. On Saturday night, just as we were starting to feel good ... pha-phew, the air went out of the stadium. Jackson-vile's Maurice Jones-Drew scooted his way almost all the way, and his return undid all the good accomplished in the Steelers' confidence-building opening drive. Then, Ben started throwing picks. No need to re-cap what happened the rest of the way. It was a valiant effort and a mostly good, if unfulfilling season.

We can (and will) ruminate on what improvements can be made during the offseason. We will probably start (and finish) with special teams. It will be interesting to see whether special teams coach Bob Ligashesky will be retained. He would be an easy target for the Finger of Blame.

Or we could just as easily point to Steely McBeam.

FEAR NOT THE JAGUARS

Let’s send these foul beasts
back into the abyss
from which they came.

About Last Night

Not sure what happened, exactly, but we heard some good speeches last night.

Edwards: A well-delivered speech. Delivered with confidence and power, yet heartfelt and genuine. Stayed on message (“America Rising”); consistently on point. Didn’t miss a beat. Very impressive. Inspired confidence.

Huckabee: Kind of an aw-shucks style, almost avuncular. First impression was that he seemed almost surprised to be there. Chuck Norris and the hot blonde bombshell standing behind him with their dazzlingly white choppers, were distracting. Huckabee seems to do better in Q&A format. Deceptively deft, however, and extremely clever. This guy is not to be underestimated or sold short. We were wondering when the “I♥Huckabee” buttons are going to show up, but his target constituency probably wouldn’t go for that shit.

Romney: What a stiff. His sons look like Stepford kids. A little creepy. It’s funny how he dodges the topic of religion – runs away from it – while Huckabee turns that shit around on Romney, to Huckabee’s great advantage, by putting it front and center in his defining tagline: “Faith. Family. Freedom.” So, at least he’s upfront about what he believes. Huckabee says, “My faith is my life – it defines me. My faith doesn't influence my decisions, it drives them.” Romney, eh, not so much, you don’t know what he believes. You don't get the feeling that Romney is genuine. People see through that shit.

Hillary: Arrogant. Another phony. All spin. Madeleine Albright and Bubba in the background were distracting. Hillary might as well have staggered off the stage. She looked done. Toast. She and her campaign are powerful enough, however, that they’ll be back. With a vengeance. She’s just not very likeable. And she and her henchmen likely will get very nasty, very soon.

Obama: Soaring, inspirational oratory. The best speech of the night, by far. Delivered his speech with JFKish rhythmic cadence. Very impressive. “This is not about red states and blue states. It’s about the United States.” Made you sit right up and just about jump out of your chair. Seriously – downright inspirational.

We Have Stupid Questions But No Answers

Joey Porter's Pit Bulls occasionally ponder matters less important than the Steelers. Such as? Well, for instance, presidential elections and world events.

Today's topic: The Iowa caucuses.

We don't really have opinions about the Iowa caucuses, just … stupid questions.

• Like, what the hell are the Iowa caucuses?

• And, if they're so important, why doesn't every state hold caucuses instead of conventional primary elections?

• Also, if Iowa is such a bellwether state in January, why is it inconsequential in November? On election night, nobody has ever said or is going to say, "It comes down to Iowa. It's too close to call in Iowa." No. You never hear that. It's always Florida. Or Ohio. Illinois. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Even, in 1960, West Virgina. Never Iowa.

• One more question: How are the Republican candidates going to spin the immigration issue when they get to a state that actually has, you know, immigrants? It's one thing to talk big in Iowa, but let's hear what they have to say in, say, New York.

Just asking.

New Year's Resolutions

This could be a one-game playoff for the Steelers if they fail to make good on the following two New Year's Resolutions: (1) STOP THE RUN; and (2) RUN THE BALL.

On Saturday night, neither will be easy. The Jax Jags ran all over the Steelers defense just three weeks ago, and the Jags boast the AFC’s top running game this season. The Steelers obviously miss injured defensive and Aaron Smith, badly, and tackling has been generally sloppy for the past month or so.

On offense, the Steelers’ running game was non-existent in Baltimore, so there is scant evidence that the team can overcome the loss of Willie Parker, the NFL’s leading rusher at the time he went down with a broken leg in St. Louis.

Now, too, the offensive line is seriously depleted with the loss of both starting left tackle Marvel Smith and backup Max Starks. The prospect of doughboy Trai Essex, a healthy scratch most of the season, now playing left tackle doesn’t shore up confidence in the running game.

Worse, the prospect of Trai Essex protecting Ben Roethlisberger’s blind side is scary, to say the least. Very scary. That, and the idea of center Sean Mahan once again getting manhandled by the Jaguars’ John Henderson bodes ill for the passing game.

So, once again, it is imperative the Steelers run the ball effectively. And stop the run.

Still, there’s hope. Steelers defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau has already seen what the Jags’ running game can do, so adjustments surely will be made to counter what worked so well for Jacksonville the last time the two teams met. Although Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard has played well all season, this will be his first appearance in a playoff game. If LeBeau has some tricks up his sleeve to befuddle Garrard, maybe the Steelers can win the turnover battle and put some quick points up on the board.

Yeah, it’s a lot of “ifs,” but what the hell.

“If ‘ifs and buts’ were beer and nuts, we’d have a hell of a party.”

Speaking of parties, nobody’s going to throw a pity party for the Cleveland Browns, who blew their chance to make the playoffs when they lost to the stinkin’ Bengals in the next-to-last game of the season. With a win vs. the Bengals, the Browns could have won the division. Instead, they didn’t even make the playoffs.

It’s so typically Brownies. It’s funny, actually.

As coach Mike Tomlin said about the Steelers after Willie Parker was sidelined with his injury, “Nobody’s going to throw us a pity party. Nobody’s going to care that we have problems. In fact, they’re probably glad we’ve got ‘em.”

Addendum: Speaking of pity parties, nothing of the sort is needed for Brian Billick, fired from his position as head coach of the Baltimore Ravens. The smug, arrogant and egotistical Billick has three years remaining on a contract that will pay him $5 million annually. Even if he takes a job in television -- something he might actually be good at -- he will still collect that $15 million. Good riddance and good luck, asshole.