Joey Porter: PR Mastermind

Over at Just Sayin', GW9K praises Joey Porter's business acumen and public relations savvy in the post titled, "Who put this thing together? Me, that's who!"

Also, the good folks at Sportsocracy weigh in with their opinion, and it is certainly worth considering.

With A Bow On Top

We’re at kind of an in-between dead spot in the Steelers season, so let’s have more fun with holiday season television commercials.

Ranking right up there on the annoyance meter and vying with jewelry store spots for Top Spot in the Cloying Category are the annual spate of holiday-season luxury-car-as-gift commercials.

You know the ones: Lexus, BMW, Infiniti, Mercedes, Volvo … all nice cars, but let’s get real: Nobody is going to give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.

Check that. A long time ago, somebody actually did give Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls a car.

God bless Mrs. Edith Alexander, may she rest in peace. As a kid growing up in Shadyside, Joey Porter's Pit Bulls were neighbors to the elderly Mrs. Alexander and her husband, Tom. Both were distinguished, genteel and scholarly professors at Carnegie Mellon University. Mrs. Alexander was one of the first women to graduate from Harvard University, and she was the first woman dean of CMU’s Margaret Morrison College.

She had cocktails every afternoon at 4 p.m.

Eventually, she decided she decided it was time to start giving stuff, like her Harvard Classics Five Foot Shelf of Books, away, mostly to me.

And, in time, it no longer made sense for her to drive.

So she gave me her car.

It was a Plymouth Volare.

Have you finished laughing? It’s okay, go ahead.

Finished? All right, good.

The car was primer gray in color. It was 10 years old and had 5,000 miles on the odometer. And it had a red, perforated cardboard interior ceiling.

Upon taking ownership, I called my buddy Dale, tough guy and a smartass, too, and told him my neighbor gave me a car. I didn’t tell him what type or make.

I just said, “Hey, man, you’ll see soon enough. Be outside your place at 7:30 sharp. We’ll cruise around a bit.”

Later, Dale told his side of the story: “So, I’m sitting there, front step, smokin’ a joint, waiting. From down the street, off in the distance, I hear what sounds like singing. ‘Voh-lar-ayyy, ooh-oh-ohh-oh. Can-tar-ay-y-y, ohh-oh-ho-oh.’ I look up and halfway down the block I see this asshole leaning out the window of this butt-ugly, puke gray Volare drive up, stop, and say, “Well? Whaddya think??”

Fast forward. Last Christmas morning, I’m up at daylight and out for a morning walk with Myron and Mongo (my dogs, not Joey Porter’s). Myron, Mongo and I are fortunate to live on a nice street in a nice neighborhood. We circle the block and come up on the house next door and behind my place on the corner. Our neighbor’s home is a beautiful, gracious old house with a three-car garage and short driveway that will accommodate three vehicles, but only one car was sitting in the driveway — a sleek, brand new, silver-gray Lexus sedan … with an enormous red bow on its roof.

I couldn’t help but wonder what Mrs. Alexander would think.

And, somehow, I kept seeing that Lexus morph into a primer-gray Volare.

With a bow on top.

Postscript: Much later, the woman who became the future Mrs. Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls refused to ride in the Volare and didn’t want me to be seen in it, either. She really hated everything about the car, especially the red perforated ceiling. I kept threatening to soup up the Volare and turn it into a muscle car, but I eventually lost interest and got another vehicle. It seemed like too much trouble to sell the Volare, and I simply stopped driving it. It was parked on the street where we lived in Wilkinsburg and eventually it disappeared. I didn’t file a complaint with the police. Some time later, I saw some old cat driving it around as a jitney hack serving Wilkinsburg and Homewood. I hope it served him well.

One more thing: Other people share our wonderment at the whole genre of luxury-car-as-gift ads.

To Die For

In an article headlined, “Gem Sellers Launch Blitz Against Blood Diamond” the trade publication Ad Age reports the World Diamond Council has launched a $15 million “public relations” campaign to quash open discussion negativity associated with the diamond trade.

According to Ad Age, “South Africa-based DeBeers, which markets more than 40% of the world's diamonds, has been front and center in the PR efforts.”

The new movie Blood Diamond opened a few days ago against the juxtaposition of a holiday-season torrent of incessant and mind-numbing advertising by exploitative retail jewelry chain stores like Zales, Kay Jewelers and the most insipid and embarrassed of them all, Jared, which was apparently named after the guy in the Subway commercial.

“The film makes its debut,” notes Ad Age, “during the heaviest selling season for the $60 billion-a-year worldwide diamond industry …Watchdogs think a powerful Hollywood film that's well-received could be the diamond business’ worst nightmare, causing a boycott of the gems that movies and TV shows for years have glamorized.”

As Ben Harper sang, “She’s got di-a-monds on-n the in-side.”

Many Happy Returns

Congratulations, Devin Hester, for your NFL-record SIXTH return for a touchdown this year. Man, that is a serious accomplishment. You were dynamite at the University of Miami, and you are even more so in your rookie season with the Chicago Bears.

Very impressive, indeed.

For the past two/three years, Devin Hester was the best and certainly the most highly visible kick returner in the college game. He dabbled at wide receiver, defensive back and running back, but the real value he brought to his team was as a breakaway kick returner.

In March and April 2006, however, most NFL scouts and draftniks summarily dismissed him as a “player without a position” and projected him as a fourth-round draft pick.

Kudos to the Bears for recognizing the value of an explosive return game and jumping up to take him in the second round. That surprised pretty much everybody.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls suspect the Steelers had their eye on the young Mr. Hester and wanted to draft him to replace Antwaan Randle-El as the primary kick returner … but we also suspect the Bears recognized this and acted aggressively to beat the Steelers to this draft pick.

This, we surmise, had a ripple effect on the Steelers draft tactics: After the Bears drafted Devin Hester, the Steelers panicked and drafted another player without a position: Willie Reid, the very raw wide receiver from Florida State, in the third round, primarily to return kicks.

Do we want to review how well that worked out? Didn’t think so.

So let’s get right to it.

For some reason, Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher, in the solipsist disquietude of consciousness, sat Willie Reid in the early games of the season in favor of Retardo Ricardo Coughley and Santonio Holmes, both of whom demonstrated an uncanny ability to fumble repeatedly.

When Willie Reid finally saw his first game action, he returned one punt for 11 yards and promptly sustained an injured foot that ended his season.

Congratulations to all.

He Went to Jared? The Guy in the Subway Commercials? (part deux)

No Steelers game on Sunday, so let’s see … let’s take a look at other forms of entertainment like, say, cinema and television commercials.

The new film Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and the estimable Jennifer Connelly, is out and was reviewed in the local paper over the weekend.

A blood diamond is a diamond mined in a war zone and sold to finance war efforts, frequently those of warlord factions in places like Sierra Leone, Angola, Liberia and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Kanye West has weighed in on this issue in his song, “Diamonds from Sierra Leone.”

Apparently, DeBeers Group, which controls the majority of the diamond trade, has expressed its unhappiness with Blood Diamond and Warner Bros.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls have yet to see Blood Diamond, but if you are one of the two or three people who have visited this site, you know one of our pet peeves is the incessant inundation of holiday-season jewelry store commercials.

The Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber opined eloquently on this topic a few weeks ago, and we have ranted, as well. The timing of the release of Blood Diamond is in stark juxtaposition to the pre-Christmas airing of all the inane commercials from places like Zale’s, Kay Jewelers and Jared.

Jared? No, not the guy from the Subway commercials, but I always think of Subway when I see the commercials for Jared, the jewelers, which are probably the most annoying of any poisoning the airwaves.

They meretriciously pander to the basest level of audience idiocy; not to mention, the quality of diamonds you’ll be getting from these types of mass chain store, mall-based stores is subpar, as noted by The Christmas Ape.

So, diamonds are a girl’s best friends? Sure.

A long time ago in a land far, far away, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls decided it was time.

We didn’t even own a car at the time, but off we went to Bailey Banks & Biddle to dutifully buy the engagement rock that cost about as much as a good used car. A really good used car.

Afterwards, on a work-related photo shoot, we mentioned the purchase to Harry the photographer and goofily said, “What have I got to lose?”

Harry got real quiet and pensive, and he paused before saying ominously, “Everything.”

We looked at each other, and he said earnestly, “Having been there, I can tell you this is not a step to be taken lightly. You can lose everything. Money, sure, but that’s the least of it. Peace of mind.

"And, the worst thing, time. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll never get back the time you put into it.”

You know what? He was right.

And if she hasn’t done so already, Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls hope she sells that damn diamond and buys herself a good used car.

Oh, and by the way: A recently published book, “Blood from Stones,” links al-Qaeda to diamonds. According to the book, al-Qaeda is likely using the hard-to-trace diamonds in place of cash, in various transactions to fund its activities around the world and to counter legislation on seizing terrorist-associated bank accounts.

Just something to think about, Jared.

NO, not the guy in the Subway commercials.

From The Land of Honk

Dogs are the best, even better than
"second grade vocabulary indicators."

A Brief Encounter

The Mighty MJD caught this little exchange between Joey Porter and Kellen Winslow II (Jr.?), the soldier, before the game.

Fast Willie Parker. A very cool breeze.
Breezing right in, thank you Fresh Air Lover.
Joey Porter's Pit Bulls have always found it ee-zee to root for young Mr. Parker. Like most folks, we like The Underdog, so we've very much liked Willie ever since the preseason of his rookie year, when we have a Distinct Memory of sitting Bolt Upright when Willie "Turned the Corner" on one of his first carries in a meaningless August game against the Carolina Panthers.
Then we learned that his coach at The University of North Carolina wouldn't let him advance past third string, for some unspecified reason.
Joey Porter's Pit Bulls can relate.
Whether that was the coach's stupidity or pettiness (the same thing?), it doesn't matter.
Joey Porter's Pit Bulls salute Willie Parker for his accomplishments.
Sheez, Fast Willie is FAST. The other thing that makes him easy to root for, is that he's so down to earth, self-deprecating and humble. For the longest time, he was reluctant to embrace the moniker "Fast Willie," which was laid on him for obvious reasons. He thought it made him sound shady, like Fast Willy Loman.
Also, we like him for honoring his father. He gave his Super Bowl ring to his father.
Yeah, Willie, we like you, for all kinds of reasons.
Congratulations on your second 200-yard rushing game of the season, and that is a very rare thing.
By the way, would it not be interesting to have a third 200 yard game of the season?

One of Those Days

Dec. 7, 1941. “A day that will live in infamy.”

Yes, indeed.

Much like Nov. 22, 1963 and Sept. 11, 2001, Dec. 7, 1941 was one of those days. A tipping point in history.

Yes, a tipping point that altered the course of history — both on a macro scale in world events and on a micro scale in the personal lives of so many people.

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon in Pittsburgh. With their wedding scheduled for Dec. 27, my parents were readying for their life together. As natives of Johnstown, Pa., they were preparing to move to Pittsburgh. My father had a job lined up and, on the afternoon of Dec. 7, they left the Shadyside apartment for which they had just signed a lease and went on to hear the news on the radio.

Pearl Harbor.

My father turned to my mother and said, “I’m going to get drafted, so I might as well enlist.”

He tried, but he was turned down as a 4-F deferment because of a hernia.

He told my mother he was going to get drafted anyway. He did.

As a smart guy, he was assigned to Army Intelligence. Which, of course, is the classic oxymoron, so he was mistakenly put on a train and shipped to camps in Arkansas and Tennessee before the Army figured out its mistake and reeled him back to Philadelphia.

In Philadelphia, he went to work as an undercover agent infiltrating German bunds and busting saboteurs planning to blow up Philadelphia’s rail and ship yards. He was a member of the Army’s Counter Intelligence Corps (CIC), which apparently was a precursor to the CIA. He could have had a career in the Army or the CIA.

When the war ended, however, he retired from the Army.

He just wanted to go home.

Running Downhill

Ugh, these guys again. So soon.

Who cares, you say?

WHO CARES?!?!?!
It's Browns vs. Steelers.
That's all that needs to be said.

Let’s put this in historical context:
1966: Cleveland 41, Pittsburgh 10

Quote from Cleveland fullback Ernie Green:
“It was like running downhill.”

Enough!

Despite impassioned objections from Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls, Chevy’s series of truck commercials featuring John Mellencamp’s odious “My Country” is following us around.

It’s bad enough that the ubiquitous spots interrupt and taint our enjoyment of NFL football to the point of ad nauseum, but when we’re inundated with them while watching a military history program on the History Channel at 1:30 a.m. on a Saturday, enough is enough!

Leave us in peace to watch a program about war. It’s all we’ve got.

Comings and Goings

Duce Staley, we hardly knew ya.

Walt Harris? See ya!

Et tu, Bill Cowher, after the end of the season?

Chidi Iwuoma, a hearty welcome back! We’ve missed you.

And these latest roster moves (Duce, gone; Chidi returns) beg the question: What if the Steelers had simply cut Duce and retained Chidi at the end of training camp?

What if, indeed, in this, the winter of our discontent.